Honestly, I don't know why women's voices, when they do that high-pitched, overly friendly, saccharine tone, triggers such anger in me. It makes me feel destructive --- to myself and them. This is a very specific trigger, and it just makes me want to... I don't know: it makes me want to do a lot. And when they start a long conversation with that tone, it gets worse. There's the trigger; there's my reaction to it; and then there's my reaction to my reaction - a chain of emotions and behaviour.
I'm actually a very angry person. I don't think other people have realized that. I don't think John did either, though he prided himself on being able to read me. Was I able to hide that anger that well? It translated into spiteful self-destruction, crying spells of frustration, and intrusive destructive fantasies. People knew that I was depressed, but did they also know that I was angry? That the anger was just as harmful as the depression? How could they not see it if I was so obvious with everything else? But then again... was I obvious with everything else? At one point, even John couldn't tell if I was masking or not.
So many questions. Sometimes I get tired of examining myself, looking at my flaws, trying to heal my wounds. But I think that exhaustion is just a symptom of a larger trend. Still, I get tired of myself. Sometimes I just want to escape my brain.