Today's PTK meeting was hard for me. I cried a little in the meeting room after everyone left. Yet I was able to bounce back from it surprisingly well and quickly. I'm home now, back from a walk and a two hour nap. I feel like Grayson is just dragging me back to the past, and every time I leave and just explore town center or go home or just drive around, I'm able to return to the present and focus on building a future.
Yet I keep returning to Grayson. The reason I do so is because I can't leave this wound unhealed. Visiting Grayson and Omicron Psi forces me to confront reality, sometimes at the cost of splitting from reality. Honestly, for me, it's about not running away from my distress; it's about, in a way, atonement, as if my current distress in meetings and the like is akin to Catholic penance. And I still love Grayson. I want to be able to exist in it well before I leave for Collin. I just want to heal. I want to move on.
Speaking of moving on, I blocked John's number, deleted his contact, and removed him from Insta. and Discord. The less I see of him, I think, the better. It's not that I don't care about him anymore or that I hate him. I think he can no longer help me, that I can't be friends with him when the fallout of TRC is still raw and hurting, and that in order for me to move on, I eventually need to erase him from my life completely. I really hope we're both happy in the end. But until then I need to detach.
Another note before I sign off: being openly autistic and unmasked is actually anxiety-inducing in the wrong environment. It seems most environments in this world are wrong for me.