Sometimes I wonder if I inadvertently hurt myself. I do things that I think reduce my suffering but what if it enables it? This episode I’m in, I’ve done well to not torture myself with its existence and to just go with the flow instead. This surrender to reality and the present is freeing, but also I wonder if I’ve gone to far down the flow sometimes, if I’ve allowed myself to enable this version of me. I’m insomniac so I stay up; I lack appetite so I don’t eat; I don’t want to talk so I stay silent; I’m in pain so I lie down; I’m restless so I stim and fidget ‘till my leg hurts and my back aches. I’m being true and authentic, but is that always a good thing? for anyone?
I wondered at myself for several hours. The day was a blur overall anyhow. It’s hard to balance what’s right for me with what’s considerate towards others. I know I’m strange; I know that my strangeness can seem concerning or indicative of something wrong. Often something is wrong. However, people seem to be unable to differentiate between my self-destructive and self-preserving behaviors. Then, having to explain whether they shouldn’t or should be concerned in the middle of an episode is very difficult. When I’m using all my energy to stay alive, I have none to speak.
How to balance my needs with other’s concerns? I have a vague idea...
I feel as if there is something missing though. I’m missing a puzzle piece or two. I think I had it yesterday, but I lost it in the storm of thoughts storming like rushing water. Hopefully I find it again.