I listen to musicals as loud as I can to distract myself from that flickering fire in my brain. I take THC to help get through the pain of heart palpitations (anxiety? hormones? hypomania? a mystery). The chemical turns the feeling of a nail being driven through metal into soft but firm pressure. Any pain that may appear is tolerable, given form and shape inside my body.
Before the PMS and shit kicked in, the few days were really good. I was happy for most of it. I felt that I could see things more clearly. I felt less heavy, less bogged down by hurt and dirt. I have so many things I want to do, experience. The point is the try to get through everything else, working with pain instead of fighting it.
It also seems that I really can’t stand bright lights anymore. I can if they’re small, but if they’re large and overpowering, I turn them off. If someone turns on the light to my room, I feel anger. I grit back a frustrated cry. So sensitive, have become more so.
I created for myself an emergency medical card that I want to laminated and ordered a medical bracelet too. This is in addition to my communication cards, my grounding items and stim toys, headphones, face mask, prescription sunglasses, coping pens and poems and books. I can recite bluebird from memory now. I don’t want to take chances this time. I feel that regardless of where I go next, I need to prepared to ask for help in an emergency. I need to be prepared to ask for accommodations and explain myself as best as possible. I have a blanket and stuffed animal in my car’s trunk just in case I need to lie down for whatever reason. I also have skates in there too, just in case I need to comedown from being overwhelmed. I’m at least glad I have found better ways to cope and accommodate.